We're seeking an Assistant TO the Regional Manager (this is NOT Assistant Regional Manager - the distinction is as important as the difference between bears and beets). The successful candidate will serve as second-in-command of the Scranton Branch, handling critical tasks ranging from emergency preparedness to workplace surveillance.

Key Responsibilities

• Maintain and routinely update the Threat Level Assessment system (colors may vary from brown to black)

• Lead the volunteer Sheriff's Deputy program within the office

• Conduct random desk searches for contraband (primarily unauthorized jelly beans)

• Organize and run the Party Planning Committee's backup committee

• Maintain detailed records of everyone's time of arrival (down to the millisecond)

• Lead mandatory fire safety seminars (no actual fires allowed since the last incident)

• Monitor workplace relationships for signs of inappropriate alliances

• Serve as Building Security Supervisor (Volunteer Position)

• Manage the implementation of "Recyclops" initiatives

Required Qualifications

• Expert knowledge of bears, beets, and Battlestar Galactica

• Minimum 5 years experience in martial arts (must include knowledge of the deadliest moves from the Senpai)

• Advanced degree in Sales OR Equivalent experience in beet farming

• Certified in workplace surveillance techniques

• Proficiency in operating a TransAm

• Working knowledge of the entire Pennsylvania criminal code

• Ability to recite the Dunder Mifflin mission statement while standing at attention

Preferred Qualifications

• Experience in operating a diary farm or running a bed & breakfast

• Knowledge of medieval weapons and their workplace applications

• Ability to detect lies through basic observation of nose temperature

• Expertise in zombie apocalypse preparedness

• Fluency in German (for special operations)

• Previous experience as a Hay Place supervisor

Physical Requirements

• Must be able to sprint from the breakroom to the reception desk in under 15 seconds

• Capability to perform perfect jumping jacks while reciting the pledge of allegiance

• Strength to move occupied desks for impromptu office reorganization

• Stamina to participate in lengthy stakeouts of neighboring businesses